15. My world of illusions

-So you have already spoken about me staying in this house?

-Yes I did.

-Why?! We have agreed to speak about it at the end!

-This is just the way the conversation evolved.

My assistant sometimes makes me scared and desperate. He is a very honest and responsible person, who always does everything required and even more, thinks a step ahead and even without me telling him manages to arrange so many things. On the other hand there are times (quite often) when we do not understand each other even on basics. This morning I asked him to call me when the food is ready. I came to his room after half an hour and got to know that he has already eaten and he thought I will come down when I feel hungry.

How can I expect people understand me even if my assistant, who’s English is perfect, doesn’t? I feel like living in illusions where I create my own world imagining people understanding me. Today I was approached by few people from organic farming organization, who came to make training. That’s nice, isn’t it? They came to talk to me because they were told I also work with agriculture. Oh my…

This time it was worse. Together with my assistant we were supposed to go to the house, where I could potentially stay. Agreed to make an interview first and talk a while to make people comfortable with me and vice versa. And how do you think my assistant has started the conversation? Exactly, with the main thing.

So scared to stay alone in this house I vividly drew in my mind all my struggles with Nepali language and adapting to their life. This time it is not a short visit when I can “escape” and talk to my assistant or to myself or when I leave in couple of days anyway. This time it is staying with the family for a month. I know it is nothing special and thousands of researchers have done it, but it is still…. Scary.

My heart sunk hearing about the necessity to stay with two other girls in one room. I’ve stayed in one room with other people many times in my life, but... It is not that I am afraid to live with Nepali girls.
 However, in western world we are used to individualistic culture, where each stands for oneself, and that is not only about importance of your own opinion or your own capabilities to find a job. Small details become especially strong while abroad. Apparently I start realizing my individualism when I need my space when I am opening a bank account and I don’t want collective help of pushing people commenting on my personal information. I need my space when I sit in the bus and I don’t want somebody’s kid to sit on my legs. I also don’t want the wife of my dentist to come inside to observe the problems in my mouth. I actually demand the door of the dentist room not to be opened when I am in.

Here in the village you can almost forget about making interviews with one person unless you kidnap her and take her far away. Normally there would be at least 4 people coming so close to me that at the end it is me who feels shy from lack of their respect towards my space. There would be also crying babies and children; normally one 6-year old kid would carry on his back another kid. Adults would comment and contribute with their saying to everything, children would be always silent. All generations would stare at me. Sometimes especially among young people I would raise deep and sincere sympathy and then it is even worse. I really appreciate that and also their hospitality, but I crazily do need my space when I pee in the toilet.

Knowing all this I could imagine girls sitting on my bad curiously staring at my computer and asking so many questions that at the end I would not be able to write even a word. What a relief when I managed to get a single room!

During the first night they would still come to my room and observe me unpacking everything. During the second night I would come to their room, because it is simply warmer and cozier. They would work and I would study and noone would disturb anyone. I bow in front of that family.

Next day in the evening I went to a cultural event called Bhajan Mandali, which gathers Brahmins for singing and dancing hindu religious songs. And-yes, I was dancing too!