18_Throughout bad days

Actually this post is one of those when everything is bad. In fact, now it is much better, I moved to another house closer to my current place of research, here are two small wonderful girls, who are entertaining me quite actively and, most importantly-I’m not bitten anymore. So it is much better now, but since this post was written, I post it anyway.

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And so suddenly I felt like I cannot cope with that anymore.

I got used to eating with a hand, sitting and eating on the floor, squatting toilets far away from the house, walking long distances and changing heat and cold. I could get adapted to so many things, but there would be this “but”.

I started to hate my dependency on the family, being unable to decide when and if I can get warm water, when I can go to toilet, when I can wash myself in the middle of the yard all the neighbours being around. In this village a bathroom is a rare thing and mostly women are bathing in the long towel, having clothes under it so that no one can see anything. Since back at home I actually bath naked in the shower, it has been a real challenge for me to manage with all these towel/clothe thing. I still do not understand how to wash having so many wet clothes which are slipping down all the time. Luckily, several times I managed to sneak into neighbour’s bathroom, where I could get my privacy. Other days I would ask my family to warm some water on the fire for me, getting so many questions-“You want to wash yourself again?!!! You did that two days ago!” and sometimes waiting and freezing outside, being cold and wet, unable to put dry clothes, because slow neighbours would buy the chicken and would be quite curious to look at me.

And then those roads. In this very dry season the roads become so dry and they literally crush into pieces under the feet, and of course, such a clumsy person as me would fall immediately. I feel ashamed to fall and to walk so slowly when locals wear slippers and carry tens of heavy loads and can jump going down. Probably they think I am so weak and unskilled. But actually they are amazed how much and how fast I am walking. I guess they did not think white people can cope with those mountain roads at all…

But my patience was over not even because of those tensions from going up and down. I got totally desperate due to the smallest reason possible. The size is even tiniest than you think-I speak about fleas. For couple of days I have been persecuted by those blood suckers through day and night.  My body was swollen and 99% of my thinking was devoted to this itching pain. I washed my clothes and sleeping bag linen every morning and every evening, destroying my hands in the frozen water (it becomes lukewarm only during the day, when I am busy) and hoping to kill the fleas. It didn’t work. I rubbed the smelly neem oil (which is the main ingredient for flea repellent for pets), but apparently the Himalayan fleas are very resistant. I hated my sensitivity to those bites, but I felt helpless and I was forced to take anti-allergy pills, which could help me not to lose my mind. Even the insecticide poisoned me but not them.

My new flatmates-totally charming and smart two girls

Probably due to all this I had nightmares every night. In evenings I would usually have intention to wake up earlier either for yoga either for work. It never worked out, because I would be so exhausted seeing so much violence in my dreams. Finally, it became worse when I saw betrayal of a close person in my dream. I cried the whole night and first half of the day, being unable to get over this feeling, even though I knew it was unreal. Luckily that morning together with an assistant we took a decision to move closer to our current destination, so that we don’t need to spend 2 hours a day just to reach the place. In this house I got a physical peace (did not know it exists)-even though I sleep in the room with 4 other people, my body feels settled, maybe also because this time we did not get separated into different houses with my assistant and I have less pressure. I don’t know, but that was the night when I was free from fleas and even in the beginning of a nightmare I told to myself – this time there will be no violence in my dream. And there wasn’t.