21_Right here, right now

I am walking high up and looking down to small houses from another hill. They seem so small. Just like from the plane which is taking off. Just like from the plane going home.

Home.

I am trying to understand what is home for people living here-Hindu, Limbu, Rai, Magar… females, males, migrants, youth, homeless…  Though I do not know what is home for me. I lived in different places of 11 countries, 9 of them in last 6 years (I count only the places where I have spent at least a month). Where is my home or I am just a nomad person, creating a home where I go?

Going home.

Sometimes the flash memories give bliss-me going by bike to university in Copenhagen, entering my rented flat and not being afraid of low ceiling and poor light, going to local Arab shop and cooking something tasty. Above all-rolling in the bed getting this pleasure from touching clean smooth bed sheets by my clean body.

So many times I try to imagine how it would be-to go out from the plane in the place which has never been my home. Denmark has always remained a cold, windy country and not only weather wise. And yet though I come there over and over in my mind. Must be because after many years that was the place which I could call-my place.

The beauty of mountains and fresh forest air are so bitter now, I want to spit it out and breathe again my first day excitement.  I am seeking for the answer and solution. It comes by itself – Right here, right now. I still do not get what is it that my inner voice says, but I know that is the key.

I am convinced there will be so many days when I will want to come back to this amazing experience of walking in remote Nepali village, but now I just want to go home. Right here, right now.

Perception of time has always fascinated me, especially when something falls from my hands. It just feels like I want to press Ctrl+Z and get it undone. And now I want to be in the place where I will miss the place I am now.

Everyone here is married apart from two people I’ve met. I say I am married too, and it feels so wrong-to lie and not to be married. It is so easy here, to get married. In the north we spend years to get to know each other, to understand if our characters fit and so on and so forth. Most of us “try” several times, dating several people before they find the “right one” or before the right time comes. Here the marriage is the necessity for survival; without a partner, without children you cannot sustain livelihood, the life here is simply not made in that way.

And in our world we want to find someone who will make us laugh and smile, who will have similar interests, who will be reliable and handsome… So many conditions.

It feels so wrong to be unmarried. Again I am trying to jump with my mind to the time when I would be a married woman. Maybe I never will. All those time combinations.

Right here, right now.

I am learning mindfulness. Breathe in-4 steps, breathe out-6 steps. I breathe in the answers of respondents, I breathe in the mountains, the tea and me sweating and going up. I breathe out and smile to my body, to my chair, to the staring people.

I am right here and right now. I bound my mind to this and learn uni-tasking, uni-thinking, uni-being.