27_To be where you are_preparing for the second fieldwork

Yes, I continue my blog. It is just a week left before I return to Nepal to do my second field work as a human geographer. But again this blog has nothing to do with science. However, it has a lot to do with ups and downs, failures and discoveries.

Rain. This autumn was exceptionally good for usually quiet disgustingly humid, rainy and windy Scandinavian fall. Every day has been sunny, getting colder and colder, but still has been marked by low clouds playing with different colours and tones, and by soft sunlight, which always makes faces beautiful and landscapes so warm and soft, just like grandmothers hands. Although I miss the golden autumn of Latvia. I never knew how unique and special it was. The sound of yellow, orange and red leaves under your feet.

It is raining after so many days of beautiful Danish weather. I am rushing home cycling without lights despite the darkness and screwing up my eyes to avoid the big rain drops.

And I start laughing. I suddenly feel the rain drops so vividly, each of them going through clothes and reaching my skin. Falling on the ground. It’s almost surrealistic. How much I enjoy my rush home, all the people here and there, people talking despite the rain, and coming Danish darkness and cozy winter. I enjoy it up to the point it hurts. I want to fall on the ground, to hold my breath and just be here. Right here and right now.

I wrote this phrase half a year ago when I was in the middle of my fieldwork, going up the mountain and looking down to houses of my village which already looked so small. They resembled the view I usually see from the window of the plane moving my head impatiently for landing to finish sooner. They resembled me coming back home.

At that moment, being at almost 2000 m, I wanted to scream and cry, but instead I just turned my head and talked about the upcoming wedding of a local. In this locked status I did not want my tears to come, because I knew they will not stop. I could not continue intervieweing for that day, put the music in my ears and fall into memories of my home, but instead I chose to go deep into my sadness, to the core of it. To feel every single step I make and to let the surrounding flow into me, just like I was empty and shapeless. Just to be there.

Right here and right now.

I’m just a week before going to my field again.

So much work has left to do before that and I cannot see the end of it.

During the weekend I will probably bake apple bread.